Why catcalling someone is not okay.

I have never shared stories about being sexually harassed. I usually confront such people and put such little shits back to where they belong. I believe a lot of women go through online harassment because of multiple reasons like expressing their views ( which are a tad hard to digest for some narrow minded jerks), putting up bold/sexy pictures, etc. Before I go further with the topic, I need to make it clear, this piece comes from my personal experience and is specific to certain category of men, and is not generalized, so kindly do not be offended.

We are talking about harassment on/off social media here, for instance, dealing with creepy men contacting me over the internet. These range from people several years younger than me (I’m 24) to people who are way older than me inviting me to hang out, talk over a call and not taking the hint when I do not respond to them. It’s been almost three years that I’ve been using Instagram and over time I’ve come to realize this is an issue prevalent to almost most women who are active on social media.

I post a lot of pictures on Instagram, albeit some of them might be sexy, bold, and why ? Because I am a person who is confident, I love how I look. Everyone loves compliments I’m sure, but at some point sharing your gross opinions about my body/face is where you are crossing a line. There are several things wrong with that. I am a woman who has been struggling with her body image for several years. So every time you make a deprecatory comment about my weight or about my assets, you indirectly make it evident that women are more valued by the size of their jeans rather than their character. There are countless times I’ve been groped at parties, been called obscene things like ” fuck me”, been violated by close friends, who “apparently” care for me and for some reason men feel it is socially acceptable to comment on a woman’s body, because a woman’s body is a decoration to be enjoyed by all, and they are always on display, aren’t they?

At some point in our lives, most of us women, have had a creep sliding into our DMs with the classics ‘ send bobs’ or disgusting unasked for dick pictures. I had one jerk tell me that my lips look like those of “a pornstar and must be very kissable” because I have full lips. It is downright disgusting and has a very negative impact on one’s self esteem. And that’s not it, some dudes just don’t get the hint, they would call you up on messenger/Instagram in the middle of the night randomly and keep sending messages continuously even when it is perfectly clear that I have no intention of interacting with them. And the worst part, I have had few friends(I’d rather call them acquaintances) who I thought were decent asking me about my sexual life even when I have never ever discussed about my personal life with them. I am not even sure why they ask what they ask. For the last time, it might be acceptable to ask only a very close friend about her/his personal life, but please remember for the rest it is truly none of your business.

I post a lot of selfies on my Instagram, a lot of them have some of my cleavage showing, a random dude had the fucking audacity of asking for a picture which showed it better or asking for pictures in a bra.

Another time, a guy/girl (no idea because the Instagram profile had no name or picture) was harassing me to be my sex slave, and even though I’ve reported such accounts every time, there’s a sick lot of them there.

A few days back, a guy called me a slut because apparently I was posting sensual pictures to attract men and then I refused to talk to him and I asked him to stop bothering me because most of his comments were obscene and vulgar. He even had the fucking balls to tell me that he was fapping to my picture. I felt so sick I wanted to puke and it even made me cry but it is very messed up, I really doubt the kind of upbringing these bastards would have had.

Sometimes, anonymity over the internet allows anybody to say pretty demeaning things about others be it a normal person or a celeb but we women, most of us become an easy target because what else should we expect if we want to put up a sexy picture? Now more than ever, women are dealing with all sorts of online harassment on a regular basis. Most men think it’s fun to ask for a girl’s number when they don’t even want to talk to you and then make a fuss about how uptight we are.We cannot dismiss this because ignoring such behavior is going to make them continue doing this to other women. Here are a few things men should understand :

  • Telling a woman you want to “see more” because you like her appearance is not a compliment, it’s downright insulting.
  • Why are you telling a woman about her appearance, without even having a rapport with her?
  • A woman does not post nice pictures of herself to attract attention from men, she does that because she feels good about herself. The way she dresses is none of your business. None of it is a consent to harassment online/offline. There are nice ways to compliment someone without making it sound creepy.
  • A woman saying she is not interested in talking to you is a very loud and clear message and do not keep on harassing her post that. And do not ever insult a woman if she is non responsive to your advances or is not acknowledging your compliments.
  • My body is mine, no amount of public display makes it okay for you to make sexual advances. I am definitely not interested in what’s in your pants.

Don’t shame me for what I choose to do with my body. It takes a great deal of courage to be confident about yourself even with your flaws. Please do not comment on my figure or my face with/without makeup, if I don’t know you. You have no right to. It’s not like you’re Tom Cruise yourselves, are you?

Some men sound so pompous discussing about a woman’s body and they feel they are entitled whether they want to say you’ve a nice ass or you’re sexy or they want to do some very explicit things to you. You know what. Unless I am your friend or I know you personally, don’t bother. Nobody asked for your opinion.

Does sexual harassment give men power or is it something to boast about? Because everytime you do that to someone you take away their self esteem, their safety. Is it fun or is it because you instinctively assume we are going to be interested even though you are a complete stranger? You are completely wrong if you think that catcalling is somehow going to make me take an interest in you.

So next time you catcall someone, think before you speak. If the whole point of complimenting someone is to make them feel good, catcalling does just the opposite. It doesn’t make the other person feel good, it makes them feel uncomfortable. My name is not baby, sexy, princess, etc. and last time I checked, all of my social media accounts have my real name mentioned on them. It’s not okay to tell me “you got nice tits”, “great rack, what’s your size”, “damn that ass”, it’s not at all appealing. I’ve been called a nasty slut and an ungrateful arrogant bitch for not responding. I’m not a thing. I deserve some goddamn respect.

No woman deserves to be objectified or harassed because of what she wears or what she does. No woman deserves to be called an ‘bitch’ or a ‘slut’ if she rejects you or is not willing to talk to you. I’m a not a bitch, “especially” not yours. If men like you can’t deal with a fucking rejection, may be the problem lies with you. Calling me names will not get you the attention you want anyway, so zip it unless you want a kick in the nuts. Don’t ever think I’m powerless. Just sit back and think once, if somebody did the same to your sister or mother, how would you feel?

Is it all in my head?

Aloha!

Back here after a long time 🙂 I’ve missed writing a lot though.

Well, this post is something we all relate to on a regular basis. For me, I’m inside my head most of the time and that’s bad, real bad. In other words, I’ve stopped living life, just trying to get through today, waiting for a better tomorrow, and I don’t even know what exactly I’m waiting for.

Before you get close to me, you need to know that I’m damaged , dented and walked over. I am impulsive and I get triggered without any reason. There are days when I’ll shut myself off from all human contact, lying curled up in my bed and won’t talk to anyone. I will take some time to trust you, because everyone has always cheated, lied or chosen someone else. I am gonna need you. I am gonna need you to assure me that you’ll be there, again and again. I will be getting bad at times, saying things I shouldn’t be saying. I know I’m a lot, but that is how it is. Don’t get into my life if you cannot handle me.

This is something that a lot of men/women go through and the worst part is no one will ever understand what exactly you’re going through. People will constantly make you feel guilty for having an illness even you wish you didn’t have. And if you take it all seriously, it is self destructive.

No one is ever going to know the things that keep you up an night, locking your chest up in knots that can you even breathe.

My anxiety convinces that no one likes me. If my boyfriend takes a little long to answer a text, I start making baseless assumptions. Doesn’t he want to talk to me? Am I irritating him? Maybe he is ignoring me on purpose. And even if he does answer immediately most of the time, I’ll still be overanalyzing his texts whether it’s short or he’s replying just to make me happy. It does not matter if I’ve known you since long, be it relationships or friendships, I need constant reassurance. I’m so self conscious all the time, I constantly feel people are looking at me and laughing at me behind my back.

I don’t know how to explain what it’s like. I’m never in control. I’m always at the extreme ends of my emotions. I’m sick of asking my mind to shut up, sick of crying, sick of convincing myself that everything is gonna be fine, all at once, all in my head. So many things running in my mind, all at a time, and I don’t even know why. Everything seems like it isn’t worth it. And when I cry, it’s either infront of the mirror, watching the tears roll down and watching myself break or sitting on the bathroom floor with the shower running, I’m shaking, pulling my hair, digging my nails into my skin. I’m still tired after 8 hours of sleep. It leads me into believing that no one will ever understand me, I’m just too different to be understood, that everyone will definitely hurt me. It places all my past relationships right in front of me again, eventually allowing those who’ve left my life long back, to reshape my future and that is the reason I don’t even wanna try.

And if you’re a person like this, it is scary to fall in love. It is so uneasy and overwhelming. No matter how much they say they love you, it’s never enough. You’ll always be wondering if you’re too much, whether you’re pushing them away. You’ll be convinced that just because one asshole hurt you, everyone else also will.

I miss the old me, I would I could bring her back. I miss how easily I used to fall asleep , having no myriad thoughts in my mind. I miss how carefree I used to be, not worrying about things constantly. I have lost my mind, and I don’t know how to get it back.

Hellfire or holy water? Or both?

That’s the thing about a woman who knows what she wants.

You know why? Because a woman like that is fire and water at the same time. She’s darkness and light at the same time. And when you look into her eyes, you can see she is not meant to be tamed, not meant to belong to someone. She’s a beautiful disaster and she knows it. She’s knows you over and out. She has you on the edge all the time. You have her but that doesn’t mean she needs you. You can’t help but want to be around her. She’s a mess, a beautiful mess, one that you can’t put into any category.

She’s been torn, more than once. She knows, loving and leaving, crying and laughing, settling and breaking free. She’s an endless series of conflicted contradictions, loving her is going to be a war because she’s both the storm and the calm aftermath. She’s the woman who’s difficult to love and difficult to leave. She’s every single emotion in one look. A perfect balance of danger and charm, fascinating and inaccessible, a ocean full of storms. She’s everything all at once and too much for someone who doesn’t know her. She’s a sin.

She knows what the difference between what is right and what she has to do. She’s doesn’t do what others do. She’s afraid of commitment, because she was never meant to stay. She will walk right through a hurricane flipping everything upside down and when she leaves, things will never be the same.

So remember, she’s has a deal with the devil, she has your demons at the tips of her fingers anyday. She can make your universe come crashing down in seconds. She’s half goddess, half hell.

Hurricane.

A little liquor on my lips,

Your hands on my hips,

Your fingers trailing my spine,

Your body against mine,

To taste and lick,

to touch, to flick,

I want you inch by inch, 

Until you make me flinch.

I want your fist full of hair,

Mouth full of desire.

Bodies coated in sin and lust,

You own me with every deep thrust.

My legs wrapped around you,

And here we are one in place of two.

Nestled in, you create hurricanes inside me,

Make me scream, is all I plea,

Until you make me forget to breathe,

Until I unleash a fire forbidden,

Until I taste the ecstasy in your breath,

Until I'm sore,

But, baby, you keep me coming back for more.

 

 

The suicide notes no one ever reads.

[Before I start writing, I want to make a few things very clear. It took me a lot of guts to come out about this in public and all of the incidents that I will be mentioning below are true. So, please do not judge. :)]

Bad day ? Bad year? I would now say, just ‘bad decisions’. Everyone in their right mind seems to think that you have to be out of your mind to kill yourself. Overthinking all those decisions that led me to it, that was a conscious one to make. And I felt defeated and hopeless. I felt more clarity writing this down than I had ever felt in my whole life. I was alone even in a crowd of people. And as much as I would have loved to comprehend why I did what I did, I couldn’t help it. I used to snap at the smallest of things. I used to wake up with this gnawing feeling. I did everything possible to hide it because I didn’t want people to know how pathetic I was. There was nothing more beautiful than those nights when I fell on my knees in a silent scream or stood for hours under the shower motionless or laying awake at 3 in the morning staring at the ceiling. I was afraid to be happy because I knew it was bound to fade, sooner or later. Depression in sobriety, there is no easy way out. So, here it goes:

You know it’s like I’m so empty, devoid of everything. And sometimes I wanna strangle myself without blinking. I’ve been feeling like this for a long time now and I have no idea what to do about it. It’s not that nobody would understand, but I don’t know how to say what I’m feeling. I feel suicidal a lot. I think about all the people who love me, how me doing this would matter to them but even that doesn’t change anything. I have failed them or more so, myself and everyone else. But for once, I just wanna know, what was wrong with me? I had no idea my decisions would ruin my life so bad. There’s one single person responsible for this and I don’t blame him because I let him do this to me. I feel so violated, so scarred because of him. I did everything humanly possible to him, but I guess I loved him more than I loved me. And now I lay in pieces and he isn’t even bothered. May be he moved on but I still can’t take a single step. But if I do this today, I don’t owe any explanation to anyone. I have cried enough and I don’t think I deserve to be this sad. And I don’t blame anyone for what’s happening to me. People always fucking leave. I have no other way of venting my anger. Because, it fucking hurts, a lot. I am writing this down hoping it helps, but no, it doesn’t. It hurts so much, like a knife being continuously stabbed through my chest.

What should I do? I don’t know. But it’s killing me and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t. I can’t. I know people go through a lot of stuff but I’m not strong enough, or may be, not strong at all. People need to stop saying that. I hate myself for being like this. I want to kill myself. I don’t want to exist. I want to talk about all of this to someone but I know I can’t. Or may be, I don’t need anyone. There’s no point.

I love you, to all the people I care about. Goodbye 🙂

 

So, the point of writing this was to make it evident that self harm or suicide is an addiction whether it’s one cut or a hundred. I have dealt with it. I was irrational. May be I thought cutting myself would ease the pain, but it doesn’t. I wanted to release the anger, depression and frustration for so long. I still have marks on my hands which are a constant reminder of the brutal and painful past that I had. But also, they show me how far I have come and why I shouldn’t be going back there again. So, things will get better and until then look for something that motivates you to change, like people who actually care about you.

Hope this helps. 🙂 – A happy survivor.

An honest confession from a 22 year old to her parents.

As a 22-year-old, I can agree that I still have nights where my friends and I make fun of our exes, have breakfast at midnight, pass out in clubs and may be kiss strangers drunkenly at bars. Isn’t it amazing being 22? Not so exactly. I have gained and lost friends, have had quite a few heart breaks and made decisions that may not be entirely be the right ones. Yes, I have no idea what comes next. I feel lost sometimes. I don’t have everything figured out yet. I’m stuck in the middle of uncertainty and my inconsistent desires to live life my own way. You see, the thing about being 22 is that all I am thinking about is this vague concept of my future. I just graduated, and its terrifying, like most things are.

I might be loud, messy, careless about certain things, may not want to listen to you all the time, but that doesn’t mean I disrespect you. I give too much importance to the decisions that I make, wasting time worrying and over analysing stuff that won’t even matter in a year or two. I can sit in an office and pretend to be happy that I’m being an adult but none of that is going to make me happy.

I want to live a messy, fulfilling and wild life.I want to wake up whenever I want, I want to do all the things that I’m passionate about, that our ‘society’ looks down upon because it’s not viable to their standards. Everything will fall into place eventually. I just need some time and trust. I have probably dated more people than you did, but that doesn’t mean I’m shallow. I may disagree with your set of ethics but it’s just because I have a different mindset and a different set of beliefs. I love to party all night, hang out with my friends a lot but that doesn’t mean I’m irresponsible or wasting my life. I drink, party and wear certain kind of clothes which may not be acceptable to you but not everyone who drinks and parties sleeps around. I want to figure out certain things on my own, mistakes are a part of it. I respect your support and guidance but I will realise certain things only when I try to live life on my own terms and this doesn’t mean I am disobeying you.

You ask me why do I lie to you. The point is you have to set me free one day or the other. And you should understand that being overprotective might just lead to me lying more. I’ve had enough of the cribbing about how hard it is to be a parent of a 20-something. I agree that you’ve done your absolute best and continue to do so to make sure I have a good upbringing. It feels great to know that you still think of me as your little kid,but sometimes it feels like you’re not proud of my independence. I do not want my decisions to be questioned constantly until I give up and change my mind. Most of our conversations revolve around how bad I make you feel, or how I have let you down so many times, so I put my emotional needs to the side. I have flaws. Well, who doesn’t? The other thing that I hate is you judge all of my friends and think that they corrupted their sweet little daughter away at college. You think that everyone I met at college is an alcoholic or a drug dealer. My friends have to give a thorough test before you approve of them. Moreover, I do not want you going through my things when I’m not at home. I do not want to plead every time to leave the confines of the house and even if you do allow me, you need a detailed list of all the people who I’m going out with, their addresses, their numbers and what not. I understand your need to be involved in every aspect of my life but I don’t want to be treated like a fugitive 15 year old. Password protecting my phone doesn’t mean I’m hiding something from you. Two inches above the knees is not rebellion and that doesn’t define my character. All you know about smoking, alcohol and drugs is that they will kill you and I am shit scared every time I smoke and have to come home with that lingering smell. Even if  I want to get a tattoo, I probably won’t because that’s what only spoilt brats do. Every time I sleep off a little late , I wake up to 40 missed calls and texts from you. And of course, every guy who comes to our house is interested in me. I don’t like it, but I guess you’re protecting me. But now such protection curtails my individuality. Don’t stop me even if I’m going to fall because this way I’ll learn to get up and walk. If you keep trying to save me every time I stumble I’m never going to be able to face reality. Come on, I’m 22. At least now I want you to trust my choices. It’s time we had a talk. I think there’s an awkward gap when it comes to being able to share because my arguments are usually fuelled with anger and frustration. But guilt tripping mechanism isn’t helpful, when you compare me to someone else and wish I were like them. We were born of a different time and even though sometimes it might seem impossible to get through to me, but I still listen to whatever you say. Don’t do it. Don’t say no because you don’t trust other people. The world is constantly changing and so are the rules. Allow me to do whatever I want because you know I will choose right over wrong. I am tired of feeling like you don’t trust me. I want you to know that I love you even if I rebel against your authority. But I deserve to be listened to, don’t I ?

Someday, I will make it.

You’re everywhere. You’re the words I’m whispering to myself or shouting out loud as I lie in bed, trying to hide behind all those memories. Despite all my efforts, you seep in through the cracks in between my fingertips. I’m over the edge and falling into hell on the other side. You’re in my head all the time, those words you said, those moments when we kissed, I can’t seem to get you out of my system. As much as I wish to deny it, it was the truth. I think about the way you broke my heart, and how long it took me to put the pieces back together. But every time, I see that damned face, it all comes rushing back. I should have seen it coming, isn’t it? May be I was scared, of everything you could mean to me. All those promises you made or those lies you fed me, tasted so good against my lips, I was scared to admit that something like this could happen to me.

It is not that I miss you, or that I wish you were still here with me, wrapping me in your arms, it’s way more complex than that. Something that is difficult gulp down the throat, something that is gut wrenching, something that doesn’t let me breathe, something unresolved like a fading ray of hope, yes, still, after all this time. But I guess you’ll never know or even if you do, you can’t do anything to make it go away. Because it’s too much for you to even grasp what you’ve done to me. I could bleed oceans onto these pages, but I guess words will never be enough. 

A part of me wants to break you the way you did. I want you to feel what I’ve been through. But if this doesn’t end, I continue looking stupid because I feel, somewhere along the way I was responsible for this. I let you in, and you wore me down, breaking all my walls, just to break them all over again. It’s been a long time, but I’m still the girl sitting on the bathroom floor, body convulsing with each failed attempt to silence my sobs, banging my fists into the wall trying to make out what went wrong. You took everything I had, crumpled me like paper and burned me to ashes. All that exists is an empty space, devoid of any feelings, an empty space that doesn’t seem to go away.

The last time you came to see me, you said you were sorry. I don’t want that in my life anymore. What were you sorry for, anyway? You hurt me, the second you decided to lie to me. I want you to be gone. I don’t want to see your name pop up on my phone every time you need me, I don’t want to hear your name come out of my mouth. You can’t ruin me anymore. Thank you for breaking my heart over and over again, because every time you did that, you gave me space to rebuild myself. It might be a little late to move on, but one of these days, I won’t even recall the sound of your voice.

 

Don’t let me fall.

I love you but I can't tell you,
It's like I have you but you're not mine,
I can't tell you that every day, every night I think about you,
And when people ask me if I love you, I tell them no,

Even though we mean so much to each other, 
it doesn't mean that we need to be together.
Our time and space is beautiful, 
because even if it will never be the same, 
I don't wanna figure out how to sit across you 
and not be in love with you,

I don't even know how exactly we got here,
 but may be that's what I needed, 
someone who could made me love, 
without letting me fall.

 

Always.

 

If you wake up tomorrow,

And do not find me next to you,

Think that I'm writing this watching the sun come up,

Know that I'll always belong to you,

Know that I'll watch you in your sleep,
the moonlight casting its shadows on your face in black and white,

Know that you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,

Know that I loved you like no one did and no one can,

Know that I'll be thinking only about you wherever I am,

Know that, even if there are a hundred worlds, 
they share the same sky, same destiny and you're mine. Always.